Author: shawnaf

Good Morning. I am the proud mother of a great American hero from Keizer Oregon, PFC Ryan J Hill. I want to begin by thanking Glenn for this opportunity to share our story. And a very special thanks to all of you who set aside a few moments to honor some very brave men and women.

Memorial Day for many means a day off, great shopping deals, family barbecues, camping, the beginning of summer; honoring loved ones who have passed or veterans who have served. While all these are great, it really doesn’t represent what Memorial Day is really about. Memorial Day is the one day set aside to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice in defending and protecting the freedoms that we all enjoy. Since the American Revolution almost 670K men and women have been killed in combat.

Before I go into the events that have brought me here today, I would like to give you a glimpse of who Ryan was.

On April 26, 1986 at 2:00 in the afternoon God entrusted me with one of him most precious treasures, Ryan J Hill. As a single mom it was up to me to teach and guide him. Little did i know that he would in the end be the one to teach and guide me. Ryan had a compassionate heart from the beginning. He was always drawn to the underdog. I didnt want him to be the outsider while growing up as I had been, so i really tried to help him be cool and hang out with the “right” people.

(Story of andy, Aaron and Mike)

Ryan was sharp and a quick learner. I should have known when he came home from the first day of school in the second grade at Keizer Elementary and I asked how was school and he said stupid….

When he attended McNary High school my biggest concern was, would he fit in. High school can sometimes be brutal. Little did I know he would ace the social aspects, but given his view in the first grade of “I’ve already done that” his academics left a little to be desired. He would finish High School at the Oregon National Guard Youth Challenge Program, a military school. He originally went to make up credits so he could graduate on time, but he ended up completing 2 1/2 years in 5 months with an a minus average. It was obvious that he excelled in this environment. His nickname…make me do push ups please.

Just to give you some insight into his mindset, Ryan loved football and played at McNary……..

In July 2005 he would leave for Ft Benning where he would attend Boot Camp and AIT and would go on to be assigned to the 1/26th Infantry Division (Big Red One) in Schweinfurt Germany. When he was in boot camp the drill sgt said as Ryan reached for a piece of cake, Hill you eat that cake your gonna do push-ups; Ryan’s response “I’m gonna do push ups anyway” so he reached for a second piece.

In July 2006 I got the call from Ryan that they were deploying to Iraq into a very bad area. He said to me Mom if i come home God has more for me to do, if I dont then I’ve finished my job.

On Friday January 19th a little after 8pm the earth stood still… I got the dreaded knock on the door. I looked out the peep hole and there they were 2 officers in uniform. I opened the door and told them they weren’t supposed to be there. Shortly after midnight in Baghdad Ryan’s group would be making their final patrol of the night, an IED that was command-wire detonated by cowardly insurgents hiding in the shadows would steal a great man. The unit would come under several hours of heavy fire and Ryan would be the only KIA for Charlie Company that night. Although Ryan was the first among many killed on the deadliest day. Ryan had finished his job. God Almighty said okay you’ve had enough and allowed him to go home. See several of Ryan’s fellow soldiers had already been killed and he took each loss personally. Just like his job here was to protect his family and friends, he viewed his job there as to protect his fellow brothers. In fact he always wanted to be in the lead vehicle which was most likely to be attacked. So when there was a loss he felt like he had failed. I believe he was spared from events that were to come. The attacks got more severe. As the unit found ways to mitigate the insurgents actions, it caused the cowards to escalate the type of attacks they would use. In June 2007 Charlie Company would receive an award at the US embassy from special forces with Ryan’s name on it for the work that was done on January 20th.

The Blue Spader Task force is considered the hardest hit since Vietnam. The commanders were continually asking for help but the requests seemed to go unanswered until July 2008 where the 110 who patrolled Adhimayah were replaced with a unit of over 1000. All in all the task force had 34 soldiers KIA, and 122 wounded. Charlie company suffered the most with fourteen men killed 9 of which were from Ryan’s second platoon.

In 2012 the Blue Spaders received the Presidential Unit Citation for extraordinary heroism against an armed enemy.

One of my sons biggest fears is that he would be forgotten. And today you have sent a message that we remember. I remember getting a phone call from him after one of his brothers had been killed. It was during election time and he was struggling from all the negative news reports about the war. He said Mom my friends are dying for people who don’t give a rip. All they care about is did the barista get my coffee right, o did you know Brittney Spears is bald, Lindsey Lohan has a drug problem, what in the world am I fixing for dinner? Meanwhile my buddies are dying and not only do people not know who they are, they don’t care. I reminded him that he told me after he got to Iraq; Mom don’t watch the news it’s really not what’s happening. So don’t watch the news it doesn’t represent all of Americans.

The question for you is do you care? As you drive up and down the freeway and you see my license plate that says “gold star family” do you know what that means? (well probably most of you do, or do now). Please don’t get me wrong with what I am about to say. I don’t want your sympathy. I just want you to think about your freedom, the price that has been paid for it, and not take it for granted. For you to truly understand you would have to experience it. And that is really something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Imagine your child or grand child one day stolen from you. Not just them, but of their hopes and dreams, their future, the children that you will never know. Perhaps their son or daughter would have been the one to walk on mars, or discover the cure for cancer or be the next brilliant president. Or perhaps they would have been just like Ryan and been one of the most kind, funny, and loving person you ever met, whose goal in life was to protect their family and friends and to make a difference.

There are many days when I am out and observe people and wonder, does anyone remember? As I watch them go about their lives, I wonder do they know the price that was paid for them to drive thru Starbucks safely and buy a coffee or push the granddaughter on the swing at the park. You see for Gold Star families we live Memorial Day every day. This is my 10th Memorial Day since Ryan was killed and yet it seems like it was still yesterday.

On October 5, 2006 Ryan sent a small group of us this email: “2 days ago one of my good friend was lost for doing his duty for our country. He was shot by a sniper and didn’t get a chance to shoot back. He was doing what he was asked of him regardless of the risks at hand. I ask that as you read this you hold a moment of silence within yourself for another of America’s finest that lost the battle he was told to fight. I ask that you remember your freedoms and that we willingly gave ours up to protect our loved ones back home. That you keep us in your thoughts and prayers in good times and in bad. Because to tell you the truth all we wanted was a better life for us and our loved ones. Some of us won’t make it back from this place and we shall never forget them. The rest of us who are here will keep fighting for you and those you love. Thank you for reading my thoughts and the few minutes it took our of your lives….”

So one thing I ask is that as you drive around going about your day being a productive member of the community pause once in awhile, maybe when you see that glorious flag flying, and just whisper thank you.

In closing I would like to challenge with a quote from Ryan’s my space… “A True Champion is one who wants to make a difference, never gives up, works hard and never gives up their dream”. So for Ryan, go be a champion.

Thank you. Freedom isn’t free.

I sat outside this afternoon at the picnic table at work soaking up the sun (yes it does shine once in awhile here in Oregon).   The view was tremendous.  My office is on a hillside overlooking the south part of town, it is almost a park like setting.  The industrial area below was humming with work, and you could hear the traffic moving along I-5, yet the birds chirping seemed to be a much stronger sound, well at least more peaceful and beautiful.  The valley gives way to rolling hills which leads into the mountains, really quite breath taking.

As I sat there taking it all in I was overwhelmed by the vastness.  Quite different than the view from my desk which is really limited.  I began to wonder what God’s view was at that time (and yes for a brief minute, Ryan’s view from Heaven, how spectacular it must be).

I began to think about the little details.  I am confident that in one of the houses, way across where I could barely see, was someone.  However, my view being limited I couldn’t tell if there was someone, let alone what color their hair was, or eyes, or were they wearing flip flops?  Probably not at least not blinged out ones like those of us who are “cool” do.  Okay squirrel….(for those of you who are wondering what in the world that means, watch the movie UP). Focus…okay back to the view and thought.

How in the world can God up in Heaven, look down at the vastness and yet care about each and everyone of us individually?  He not only knows what color my hair is, He has a plan and purpose that is specific just for me.   While I don’t doubt this at all, I just don’t understand how that is possible.  He is not surprised by anything that happens and He promises to work all things for good.  Our lives are indeed like the tapestry.  Lots of threads all woven together.  

While I prefer bright cheery colors and could live with out the black and dark brown colors, I realize the blacks and the browns or dark colors if you will, are what give the tapestry definition.  Just like the dark times in our lives, they add definition and dimension to make up the final picture. While I know this is true, I still would prefer to live without the dark.  Perhaps I have already had enough of the dark colors and now its time for the brightness to paint my life.

It’s been a little over 5 years since Ryan was KIA.  I am reminded of it again as the anniversary of some of his best buddies approaches tomorrow.  I couldn’t help but ask why they were taken.  Ryan’s purpose was to protect them, if they were going to be taken as well, then why did he have to die also?  These questions still remain unanswered, although the more I learn the more I wonder if he could have handled it.  He took the other losses so personal.  He told me his job and mission was to protect the others.  He had felt like he failed.  So when he was killed I accepted it, knowing he was saving the others (okay so accepted may not be the best word, but it did help knowing that he was doing what he was “called” to do).  All that to say that the darkest days have also shaped who I am.  I definitely have a different perspective on life and it’s brevity.  In fact 6 years ago, I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to sit out on the picnic bench.

We don’t always know what God’s plan for us is but we can stand on His promises knowing that He loves us, never gives us more than we can handle and will work all things for good.  Just like the sunshine that beat down on my face today, God has blessed me immensely with a new phase of bright colors and sunshine with the perfect man for me.

You’re the Best, Shawna

I have been reading Black Belt Patriot by Chuck Norris (which I highly recommend). Imagine what this country if not the world would be like each if us adapted his Principles for Life:

1. I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
2. I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
3. I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.
4. I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family and acknowledge that no other success can compensate for failure in the home.
5. I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
6. If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
7. I will give so much time to the improvement of myself that I will have no time to criticize others.
8. I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
9. I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness toward another person’s viewpoint while still holding fast to that which I know to be true and honest.
10. I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
11. I will always remain loyal to God, my country, family and my friends.
12. I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country, and myself.

Just imagine…. Shawna

As I sit and look out the window with the blue sky attempting to burst through the dull gray of winter, it reminds me of the cycles people often go through. There are times in life that reflect the warmth of summer — bursting with love, peace, laughter, family and all the joyful things that are like a child playing on a swing set on a warm August day. Then there are the dark seasons of life that resemble gloomy, cold, stormy days in the midst of winter — loss of a loved one, financial stress, even the humdrum of daily life. But then there comes the season I enjoy most — springtime. Spring is full of hope. New buds and blossoms burst forth with signs of new life invoking new possibilities, hopes and dreams; gray transitions into beautiful colors bringing joy to all those around. The air, while still crisp, warms, and the sun begins to peek through the window pane, warming my soul and bringing a smile to my face.

Just as nature experiences all seasons, so do we. Sometimes we can prepare —like putting on a coat during the winter — but life does throw us curve balls. We go through unexpected seasons, but we can remain hopeful when going through winter because we know “spring” is coming. I have found challenging times lead to growth and new opportunities. I must choose to take advantage of those opportunities and in the difficult seasons plant good seeds so that when spring comes around, beauty, hope and joy will burst forth and bless others. So while it is still winter time, know that spring is coming and with that season will come hope.

~Shawna Fenison